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In the Thoughts of Ginta

by Stephanie M. Taylor

 

Empty.

Empty.

It's just empty.

I can't think. I can't feel anything. Why? Why don't I feel upset? Why haven't I rammed my hand into the wall? Why am I sitting so quietly on the edge of my bed, staring blankly into space?

Maybe I'm just feeling numb and the whole reality will set in in a few minutes. Then I'll be in dispair. I hope so. I deserve it.

I really deserve it!

Miki.

Miki, I'm stupid. I'm a real jerk.

Why did.... how could you like me enough to write that letter? Wonderful Miki. I've liked you since, oh, I don't know when. Forever.

When we were in 1st grade you tripped in the playground and I helped you up, and that was such a nice feeling. Maybe even then I liked you. Maybe even before.

But I could be happy that way. Just liking you secretly would be enough. I didn't need to tell you my feelings. Not yet.

No. Liar. Ginta, you're really a total creep, aren't you? That's a lie. The truth is I'm a COWARD! A wimp. That's why this happened.

That's why....

I hurt Miki.

Hurt her, hurt her, hurt her! She's so honest, so kind. And I've crushed her like an insect. Miki. You shouldn't have trusted me. You shouldn't have been my friend. A loser like me. But of course you would be, wouldn't you, Miki? You would be friends with anyone. But I don't deserve having known you. Let alone being your friend.

And I didn't even realize what a jerk I am.

Not until after this happened. How stupid! I didn't even know it all along!

Miki. You're like a summer flower, so bright and sunny. Now I've injured you more than anyone else. By my stupidity and because I'm a coward.

The letter. I was so happy to get it.

You won't ever know how I felt seeing your ashen face through the doorway. Your hollow eyes boring into me. It's like everything stopped at that second.

Until my dry throat could finally yell your name. But then you were gone. And I couldn't look at anyone.

"Ginta, you hurt her feelings!" one of them said. "You'd better go tell her you're sorry," someone else said. But to chase after you now would be cruel. The pain in your eyes.... I don't want to ever see such a look again.... coming from you. You should never have that look, Miki.

Aa, Miki! This is too unfair! The one who should be punished should never be you.

I can't take it back. It's really happened.

IT'S REAL.

Ginta, you moron, don't stop thinking that until you die!! Don't think of anything else for a second! Think about what you've done! It's real. It's real. It's real. It's real.

Miki. I hurt her!!!

Ginta, what's your problem?! To hurt an angel like Miki!!!

For once even cursing won't let the anger out. This time I can't express anything that way. It doesn't fit this time.

This is shame. Sorrow. Anger. But still numbness. Hateful, hateful Ginta!!!

Miki's love, Ginta....

Why, Miki? Out of every guy in the school you liked me? What did you like, I wonder?

Aa, the mirror. In the mirror.... A decent-looking guy. Nice hair, kinda trim build. Big eyes. If that's what you liked, Miki, I'll ruin it all! I don't deserve to be liked by a person like you!! If I could pound myself I'd do it but I'm probably too much of a coward to hit hard enough, aren't I?

Aaa, scissors! Where's the scissors?!

Yeah. Cut! Cut it all!! Gone, gone, gone. Be ugly, Ginta. You're ugly. Inside you are. No self-respecting guy would do what you've done. There. Now the inside matches the outside. Awful.

Chestnut strands of hair scattered about my feet. I'm glad.

If I could cry I'd look even worse, but I'm such a jerk that I can't cry! Horrid, horrid, terrible idiot!

I could jab my eyes out with the scissors. Yes. But then I'd be blind. That'd be a cop-out! I'll have to face you again and see those eyes. Your deep chocolate-brown eyes. Which will never watch me the same way again. Which won't be warm and joyful.

Ha, even this is stupid. So you were attracted to me, Miki, but you would look beneath the surface. Changing my appearance is really just on the outside. What were all of the other things that you liked about me? That I've now shown are worthless contrasted to my awful mistake? I'm really the biggest idiot and unkind excuse for a man! I didn't understand you. No, I didn't understand anything. If I did, I wouldn't have participated in that agreement. But I was foolish and a complete coward.

I couldn't stand up to everyone so I agreed. Actually, that wouldn't have been so bad had I not been embarassed about the letter. I could have told the truth at that moment, said that you liking me was surprising news. That I'd have to think about what to do about it. Or maybe even said that yeah, I like her too.

No. This can't be real. I'd wish. But it IS, Ginta. Don't forget that! If I knew a guy who did this to Miki I'd clobbler him to the ground. I'd bash his face in! I'd make his life MISERABLE. But who is there to do this for me? What I deserve.

Miki, can you hate me forever? Even that wouldn't be enough.

Miki, dear Miki, you couldn't hate even me forever. You're too sweet. I don't deserve your friendship!

Well at least we can't be friends now! I've ruined all that myself! If only you could go on being happy without me.

But you're not happy. Because of me. It's all my fault. Whatever you're feeling right now.... I can't stand it. I did this to you!!!

Miki.

::sigh::

Mi...ki.

Lovely girl, if I never see your face again it would be.... no, to see you every day in school from now on is a better penalty. But not for you.

You should not have to.... suff...er. Miki.

Closing my eyes, I see you. Don't say anything to me in my head, Miki. Don't be kind to me. Or forgiving. Ginta, don't even imagine such a thing.

But I can see you, Miki, collapsed on your bed. No, on the way home. In a street alleyway crying. Sobbing. Dejected. Wounded.

This isn't helping. Imagining you doesn't make me feel worse. The numbness is coming back.

It's like.... being paralyzed. Can't move. On the verge of going unconscious.

Miki. Just allow me think about you and curse myself for what I've done.

Miki. Hurt.

By me.

Miki.

Miki.

Mi... miki. Miki. I love you, Miki!!!

I don't deserve to love you or even know you. I despise myself.

I am truly hateful.

::sigh::

Miki.

And you liked me too. We liked each other. How happy I could have been with you. If I were not such a snake.

You'll never give me that honest cheerful smile again. To hold your hand in mind..... it'll never be a possibility now. I can't be with you anymore. We'll be apart, separated. Disconnected. No more jokes, no laughter. No working together for the school festival. No tennis matches before school starts. No stops for hamburgers on the way home. No ice cream cones. I always like watching you lick them. So cute. So sweet. Your face expressions always put a grin on my face. You always knew how to cheer me up. Or help me calm down when I was angry. You came over to my house to listen to CDs. And go over homework once in a while. You showed me how to fold origami boxes. You told me about your strange family reunion last summer. You talked to me a lot. About all sorts of things. Your voice is so endearing. Once, you noticed my shoe laces had come undone and you tied them. You accepted my Wimbleton pin. But never again. None of this, ever again.

Tears? Finally?

Ginta, you really are pathetic. Only now you can cry. Selfish tears. For what you'll never have. How can you cry over these selfish desires but not before, thinking of Miki's feelings?

I'm tired.

But I shouldn't think of you as I drift off to sleep. I might see you in my dreams.

You shouldn't be in the dreams of a man like me. No, not a man. A.... dimwit. Garbage.

If I could fade away. If I were over.

::sigh::

I'll see you in school tomorrow, Miki.

Mom will probaby make me shave my head when she sees me like this. I don't want to.

But maybe it'll at least show you something of how I feel.

But you'll never know how I feel, because you'll never make such a mistake as I have.

I'm so sorry, Miki.

I'm tired.

Sleep, but don't think of Miki. Give.... up. On.... thinking of her.... of wondering.... what it could have.... been like....

Ginta, you fool. Even now.... you're thinking.... of.... her....

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Marmalade Boy characters, names, etc. © copyright by Yoshizumi Wataru, Shuueisha, Toei Animation, and associated parties. The references of this work are used WITHOUT permission for entertainment only. This story is not meant for sale or profit.

Story © copyright August 2000 by Stephanie M. Taylor

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Comments and constructive criticism are greatly appreciated! Please e-mail me by removing the spaces: dioptase @ quixium .com


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This page was created on August 29, 2000 by Stephanie Taylor